


Four Boyfriends and a Cactus (Late Valentines fic)

by UnhelpfulPanda



Series: Fabulous Foursome [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Foursome - M/M/M/M, I'm Bad At Titles, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Sibling Incest, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann References, Valentine's Day, its actually not porn SURPRISE, its late but its a Valentine's day fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 06:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10530489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnhelpfulPanda/pseuds/UnhelpfulPanda
Summary: A look into the lives of four boys who all love each other a lot. A quick peek at how their relationship works outside of the house, complete with cashiers who don't understand polyamory and old ladies who are probably jealous and also don't understand polyamory. There is also a cactus, boys being weebs, talks of group cosplaying, cactus puns, boys who don't understand How to Romance but they try anyways, mentions of booty shorts, and did I mention the cactus? Because there's a cactus.(Also titled "Writer has an on-again off-again relationship with writer's block and is Suffering")





	

**Author's Note:**

> a break from all the porn to bring you........ not porn.
> 
> someone mentioned a 100% fluff fic? and I was considering doing one already, but since there was at least one person who wanted it, then why not? Then I wrote this and ruined everything lmao
> 
> okay but I genuinely don't know how well this fic is going to do? like, there's some funny stuff and some cute stuff but is it good? I don't know, I laugh at my own jokes my dudes how tf should I know what is good and what isn't??
> 
> I really hope you guys like it though and I'm sorry if you don't.

            Jake made his way to the store register, three cards in his hands and two bouquets of flowers, one made of orange poppies and the other consisting of blue forget-me-nots. He also had a very small cactus with him as well.

            The middle aged cashier smiled knowingly at him. “Three cards? Is someone juggling a few girls on the side?” he asked slyly as Jake fished his wallet from his back pocket.

            “Uh, boys, and none of them are ‘on the side’, as you so eloquently put it,” Jake corrected, trying to keep the disdain from his voice. The bloke had no shame, insinuating with a smile that he would cheat on his significant other! Or, in his case, significant other _s_.

            Speaking of which, as he finished paying the dumbfounded cashier and decidedly did _not_ put his change in the tip jar like usual, his phone began to ring, playing the theme song from My Little Pony. He struggled to get his phone out as he made his way to his truck.

            “Hello, darling! What can I do for you?” He asked when he answered the phone.

            “ _John and Dave went to walk down to the store to grab more ingredients for John’s meal tonight, but the timer for whatever he has in the oven is nearing its finish and he threatened to not give me any if I peeked, so can you go pick them up please?_ ” Dirk explained.

            “I sure can! We will be home in a jiffy!” Jake agreed, hanging up the phone. He put the Valentines Day stuff safely in the very back of the truck, then drove to the store by their house. His two younger lovers were just leaving the store, bags in hand, when he arrived.

            As he approached, he heard an older lady say something about them being ‘adorable lovebirds’ as she watched the blonde and black haired boys kiss each other. “Save some of that sugar for me, won’t you?” he called out to them.

            “Jaaaaaake!” John called excitedly, running up to him. Jake braced himself and caught John when the smaller boy jumped into his arms, though the additional bags made it a bit harder. He gave Jake a big, happy smooch on the lips.

            “The bags are gonna rip if you aren’t careful, you big loser,” Dave commented, reaching for the handle of the truck’s front seat and finding it locked. “Jake, unlock the door,” he added.

            “Toll for unlocking is one kiss, Dave,” Jake responded, setting John down. Dave sighed loudly as if he was soooo put upon, then quickly pecked Jake on the lips and turned back to the door.

            Jake chuckled and let the two clamber into his truck. “The old chick was giving us a dirty look,” the blonde finally mumbled, looking down at his hands. Jake frowned, glancing at John in the rearview mirror. John was also frowning.

            “Because we are gay?” he asked, leaning forward to hear better.

            “No, she said something about you two being cute together,” Jake replied.

            “It was because there were three of us,” Dave explained. There was silence for a moment.

            “Imagine how much of a fit she would have had if our fourth boyfriend were here,” John finally spoke up mischievously. The corner of Dave’s lips twitched upwards.

            “I think the old bat would have lost her shit if there had been four of us. Especially since you and Dirk look awfully similar!” Jake added, chuckling.

            “Gee, it couldn’t be because he’s my brother, could it?” Dave replied, smirking.

           “She’s probably just upset _she_ can’t have two attractive boyfriends,” John snickered, “let alone _three_!”

            By the time they got home, Dave was feeling much better. John ran ahead, muttering his worries about the food being burnt. Jake stopped Dave before he could follow. “In all seriousness, you shouldn’t have to worry what others think of our relationship. What we do is none of their business,” Jake began.

            “I know, I know, I just… get nervous or whatever. ‘m just kinda afraid someone will yell at us or something…” Dave murmured. Jake kissed his forehead and he smiled softly.

            “No one would yell at you and get away with it, I can assure you,” Jake huffed, then cupped Dave’s cheek. “If you are ever uncomfortable in public again, though, you can _tell me_. I swear to you I’ll never get mad. And neither will John,” Jake explained. “Dirk is a different story, because unfortunately you two have to keep it brotherly due to…well, you get me,” he trailed off.

            Dave snorted. “Come on, let’s get inside,” he suggested.

            Inside, the house smelled of delicious foods. The blonde and brunette both breathed the smells in deeply. “Dinner smells simply divine, my dear!” Jake called into the kitchen.

            “I’m hungry as fuck, babe, when can we eat?” Dave added.

            “Soon, soon! I’m just finishing things up and then it has to cook some more,” John explained, shooing Dirk out of the kitchen.

            “’til then, I’m gonna eat some of your Valentines chocolate, hope ya don’t mind,” Dave replied, pulling out three heart shaped boxes of chocolate. He handed Dirk and Jake theirs. “Want one?” he asked John, holding the opened box out for the black haired boy.

            “Nuts?” John inquired, eyeing the candy cautiously. Dave shrugged.

            “Yeah probably, considering I’m related to one of my boyfriends. But really, who isn’t?” he answered. John narrowed his blue eyes at the younger blonde.

            “You’re a dick,” he stated dryly.

            “Guilty as charged,” Dave agreed. “Dude, of course I checked it was nut free; I’d rather not murder two out of three of my boyfriends,” he added, rolling his eyes behind his shades. “I’m rolling my eyes, if you can’t tell.”

            “Speaking of, take those off inside the house,” Jake mentioned with chocolate in his mouth. He reached out for said eyewear with chocolate on his hands, but Dave dodged him quickly.

            “Yo, back the fuck off, English! Get your dirtyass hands away from my shades!” he squawked, flailing a bit. He took his shades off, blinking to get used to the inside light before covered his eyes with his arm. “Hng, too bright. Dim that shit, will ya?” he inquired.

            Dirk nodded, flashstepping to the lights to dim them. Both Striders discarded their shades on the nearby coffee table. “Sorry, forgot about your sensitive eyes,” Jake mumbled sheepishly.

            “It’s chill, as long as you give me a piece of your candy, too,” Dave smirked.

            “Don’t eat too much! I swear to god, you three, if you get full on that cheap shit and don’t have an appetite for dinner, I’ll…!” John trailed off.

            “Do some sort of acrobatic pirouette off the handle?” Dave guessed.

            “What? I don’t even know what that means…” he muttered, then pointed his spatula at his red eyed lover. “Shut up, Dave.”

            “Hashtag rude!” Dave huffed.

            “Oh bullocks, I forgot your gifts in the truck!” Jake shouted suddenly, bolting out the door to his truck. It was a good thing he opted for flowers over chocolate, as the candy would have melted in the truck for that long. As it were, the flowers were unaffected by their extended time in the vehicle. He presented the bouquets to Dirk and John with a flourish.

            “I have to go find a vase for these,” Dirk mumbled, cheeks turning pink as he held his flowers close to his chest. Dave snickered.

            “Don’t get all sappy and gay just because he got you flowers; flowers that will probably die before the week is out, knowing your track history with plants,” Dave smirked. Dirk shot him a nasty look, but the flustered red of his cheeks negated the effects of such an expression.

            Jake kissed the older blonde’s cheek before he left with both bouquets of flowers, trying not to smile when he felt how warm his cheek had been. He planted a matching kiss on John’s cheek.

            “Yo English, where’s my flowers? Hope you got me the reddest of roses, my dude. Like blood red, only not because blood isn’t actually _red_ its more like a _crimson_ , unless maybe-” Dave’s monologue was cut short, interrupted by John.

            “Sweetheart, you’re ranting again~!” called their blue eyed boyfriend in a sickly sweet singsong voice. Dave mumbled something under his breath about ranting being better than rapping, but only Jake could hear it.

            “Egad! I seem to have forgotten to purchase you flowers, Dave!” Jake announced. Without his shades, Jake could clearly see the look of distress in his red eyes. Dirk was unsure if he should join the room after a declaration like that from the brunette boy. He could see John thinking the same thing, hovering in the kitchen entrance. Surely Jake wasn’t _that_ scatterbrained, was he?

            “Oh. It’s… it’s okay. Like I said, flowers don’t last long, so it’s dumb to waste-” Dave began to mutter, but Jake interrupted him before things could get out of hand.

            “Oh, Dave, love… I would never be dense enough to neglect you,” he smiled gently. Dave’s face contorted in confusion. “Besides, do you really think our boyfriends would let me off easy for a screw up like that? Boy, I would really be in a-” Jake pulled the tiny potted cactus out from behind his back, “-prickly predicament, now wouldn’t I??”

            Dave took the small succulent wordlessly, his face not really showing much of anything besides maybe a numb sort of shock…? Jake was beginning to think his pun was not worth it at all. What was that about prickly predicaments again?

            “Jesus Christ, really? It’s Valentines day, not April Fools day,” Dirk scowled, coming to put an arm around Dave protectively. John stayed where he was, torn between being annoyed at Jake for hurting the younger Strider for a _fucking_ _pun_ and… wanting to laugh his ass off because that would have been fucking hilarious if it wasn’t _Dave_.

            “I’m sorry, that was not the right timing, I’m sorry oh Dave I’m really sorry!” Jake rushed out, beginning to panic. Dave continued to stare at the cactus for a moment before inhaling deeply.

            “Jake…” he began, with a strange edge to his voice none of his boyfriends could quite place. His eyes flicked up to meet Jake’s as he continued, “You… you really put the suck in succulent.”

            Jake’s jaw dropped. John erupted into a fit of laughter, falling back onto his ass as he howled in amusement. Dirk threw up his hands and announced, “I am 100 percent done with everyone occupying this room!” as Dave joined in on the black haired boy’s laughter.

            “Aw, Dirky,” John barely managed to wheeze between his fits of laughter, “Don’t be such a-”

            “I swear to God if you-”

            “- _Prick_!” Dave made an ungodly screech as his laughter began again. Dirk found himself fighting down a smile, but to no avail; his younger boyfriends’ overzealous delight was contagious. Jake had a wide grin on his own face, though he still looked a bit lost.

            It took a while for everyone to calm down. By that time, John’s dinner was cooled down enough for them to eat. He even brought them their food, insisting they all sit at the dinner table and let him handle it.

            “Dave, succulents don’t belong on the dinner table. Go put the cactus somewhere else,” John commanded as he set down Dave’s plate of food, trying to ignore how much he had sounded like his father.

            “His name is Dennis and he is my son and I will not tolerate this disrespect,” Dave replied simply before shoving a spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. John let out an exasperated sigh and let the younger blonde do what he wanted. It was clear Dave was really happy with his gift from Jake, in the most unironic of ways.

            “So Dirk…” John began. Dirk paused mid-drink, eyebrows raised in a silent question.

            “Yes?” he prompted, responding into his cup.

            “Well, Jake gave us his presents. Dave ate a good portion of the chocolates he got us as gifts. And we are currently eating the fruits of my labor…” John trailed off, giving Dirk a look that meant he expected Dirk to know what he was talking about.

            “Metaphorically, of course, because the only thing that comes remotely close to fruit is my sweet apple-y elixir. So more like… the steak of your labor,” Dave added in.

            “Thanks for your help.”

            “Any time. Call me.”

            Dirk sighed, reaching into his pocket as he proclaimed, “I was _going_ to save it until after dinner, but I suppose I can show you now…” The older Strider slapped four badges down on the table. “Read it and weeb, boys!” Dirk declared.

            “These are badges for that huge anime convention we heard about? The one that sold out before we could get a badge last year!” Jake cried, grabbing up one of them. “A full weekend pass?!” he added, bouncing out of his seat in his excitement.

            “I accidentally found out right after he registered us,” John added.

            “Bitch, you were snoopin’,” Dirk shot back quickly. John shrugged.

            “Yeah, well, _anyways_! We were hoping that you both would agree to a group cosplay, just the four of us. And we all watched Gurren Lagann together, so we thought that would be perfect,” John explained.

            “Dave and I would obviously cosplay Simon and Kamina, but we were thinking that we could rule 63 the girls-”

            “The porn rule??” Jake blurted out, looking alarmed.

            “That’s rule 34. Rule 63 is taking one gender and turning it into another gender, usually male to female or vice versa because of the bullshit gender binary,” Dave recited immediately.

            “Fuck the gender binary,” Dirk added, and the Striders fistbumped.

            “Anyways! Rule 63!” John reiterated. “I called dibs on Nia, which means Jake…” they all turned to Jake silently.

            “The boobies girl?? But I don’t have boobies!” Jake protested in whiny voice.

            “I genuinely did not notice,” Dirk deadpanned.

            “We are making designs for a male version of her for you, Jake,” John explained, adding in hurriedly, “also she is not ‘the boobies girl’, her name is Yoko.”

            “Well, I guess that’s okay, I suppose, as long as we make the huge gun prop, too,” Jake conceded.

            “The booty shorts stay,” Dirk and John responded simultaneously, earning themselves a warning glare from the green eyed boy.

            “We’ll watch Avatar tonight if you agree to the booty shorts,” Dave piped up suddenly.

            “Done,” Jake agreed instantly. The other two complained, but they still piled onto the couch, John sitting on Dirk’s lap while Dave rested his feet over his boyfriends’ laps. Jake leaned against Dirk’s side, practically vibrating in excitement over getting to watch his favorite movie with his three favorite people. They didn’t even complain when he quoted his favorite lines, and two out of three of them actually _stayed awake_ _for the_ _whole movie_.

            When the movie had finished, John twisted around to ask Dirk what movie they should put on next and giggled mid question. “He fell asleep!” John whispered.

            “Aww, he’s just as cute asleep as he is awake…” Jake cooed.

             “Let’s draw dicks on his face,” Dave suggested.

**Author's Note:**

> Dennis the cactus is my son and I love him.
> 
> and once again, I demonstrate how terrible I am at ending fics! Spoilers: they accidentally wake Dirk up before they can actually draw a single pingus and then he traps them and draws a dick on both of their faces and Jake doesn't feel any pity for them.
> 
> Also, I will probably not be making a fic about the convention they are talking about, mostly because cons are weird and hard to write about and also the thought of explaining their cosplays in writing causes me physical pain. but there might be some mentions of the con in later fics (i'm hinting something at you but you don't know what lmao)


End file.
